A DIFFERENT CLOSENESS

(Post by: Madie Hobbs)

Have you ever wanted something so desperately you realize you never knew what wanting was before? Have you clung to it so desperately and with such agony that you thought if anyone could physically see the emotional grip, they would see broken fingernails and bloodied knuckles and trembling appendages?

I never thought I would answer yes to that question. Yet here I am, my hands utterly sore and my muscles used beyond usefulness. I’m stuck between a place of total and complete trust and longing, and a place of pain and hesitation.

In short, I am in a place of intense wrestling with something I felt so sure of. Yet I never felt a hint of a struggle while in the midst of the satisfaction of my longing.

But that is the most devastating wrestling, isn’t it? When you came so close to maintaining the object of your desires, only to have it violently and abruptly torn away from you when you least expected it to be. I’ll be completely honest; this has put me somewhat at odds with the Lord as I have petitioned and groaned for answers. I’m not afraid to admit that. My anger and confusion do not scare Him, so why should they scare me?

Last Wednesday, as I was talking with one of my friends after our small group where we discussed the very topic of wrestling with God, something I realized as we were discussing it was that the thing I have found most difficult in this season of my life is the way that I know why I’m wrestling with God, but I’m not quite sure why He is wrestling with me.

This intense struggle with Him has arisen following a time in my life where I felt as close to Jesus in my personal relationship with Him as I ever have. I made a big decision in my life I was scared to death to actually make, but even in the midst of my fear, I was convicted that if I did not take this particular action, I would be living in direct disobedience to what Jesus called me to do. So, I did it. With so many questions, and what-ifs, and fears, I did something I wanted desperately to do but never had before, and I took the leap He told me to.

For a while, it ended up being the best decision of my life. I’ve never experienced such intense happiness before, and there were times I thought I almost didn’t have the capacity for it. Every day, as this decision became an ongoing one, it felt as though I was taking physical steps closer to Jesus in continual obedience. Everything I had ever done out of obedience to Him started to make sense because of this one decision.

There have been so many times in my life where I’ve made a decision because I felt like the Lord was calling me to and been wretchedly unhappy because it wasn’t what I wanted to do, or utterly confused because it didn’t seem logical to me. Then everything clicked, and I thought He was allowing me to catch a glimpse of the plan He had when I trusted Him with those decisions. This decision was the one He’d been making me wait for. If I had been disobedient in those other things, this kind of obedience would not even have been possible.

But then it was gone.

Without expectation or my consent, the object of my obedience wasn’t there anymore. Everything was beyond my control no matter how desperately I grasped for it. There seemed to be nothing left for me to cling to. I felt so suddenly confused I didn’t even know how to accept this new reality I was living in. For a while, and even still quite honestly, I lived in a complete state of denial.

How could this be happening to me when I still without a doubt believe I was functioning in complete obedience? What did I do wrong? How did I not see this coming even a little?

And before I knew what was going on, I was locked into a position of wrestling with God. Instead of feeling the sunshine on my face in a way I never had before, and being so utterly content with life, I was suddenly marred with blood, sweat, and tears at the darkest point of the night.

But He is here too.

Though we are locked into a position of aggression, confusion, and anger, there is a certain beauty to that. That He is here too. I’m still not sure why He is here. As I said earlier, I know exactly why I am in this position of wrestling. My petition to Heaven is the same every day.

“Bring back the object of my obedience. I followed you unflinchingly into this light, why is everything now deep and dark? There is still no doubt in my mind I carried out what you told me to. Give me the same opportunity again.”

Unfortunately, at this point, I have been met with silence on all fronts. I don’t know why I’m experiencing this. Why He allowed me to give myself so fully to this decision I was so confident in, only to have it all stripped away.

One thing I have realized is that though this is a different closeness than the one I experienced a couple months ago, it is still closeness. Before, it was as though the Lord and I were walking calmly hand in hand, smiling at each other as we both walked into the plan He set up. Now, we’re bent over, head-to-head, our sweat is mingled together, we wear each other’s blood, and I keep asking the same question again and again.

However, here is my encouragement to each of us today: you don’t get much closer to someone than you do when you’re wrestling. Wrestling is a close contact sport. It’s your skin on their skin, your feet dug into the same dirt as theirs, your moves dictated by theirs.

Don’t waste the wrestling. You may never be as close to anyone else. While what drove you there may be heartbreak, what leads you out may be healing.

I’m out here in the open, tryna stay the path

Somewhere in-between the promise and the place it comes to pass

And who knows what it’ll cost me or how long it’ll last?

But I told you I would follow, I’ll never take it back.

I hang on every word you ever said

For I know you’re faithful

And I’m still waiting on a wealth of promises

But I know you’re able

So if ever I stray, if ever I fall

Won’t you call me Homeward?

~ Homeward by Benjamin William Hastings

SO, WHAT IS YOUR RESPONSE?

= In what ways are you currently wrestling with the Lord?

= What in this post challenged you?

= What are you going to do differently?